11-19-11

I asked my self how I ever got over it. Ever got through it. I don't even know.  And sometimes I think that I never fully did. 

The worst is when you've had a pretty good day, and then it's late at night and the memory of you just sideswipes me, along with the pain, hurt, loneliness, sadness, and everything. Sometimes it feels like the gaping hole you left in my heart, in my chest is still there. That it never healed. Sometimes it feels like the hole in me isn't just a memory. 

Sometimes I hate you for it. Kind of like tonight. 

One of the reasons I never liked hearing your name except for when I spoke it was because I "always said it wrong" thanks to Tucker. Another reason is because your name alone could trigger a landslide. 

I don't even know why I miss you tonight. I just do. And it's stupid. Dumb. Annoying. Painful. If beauty is pain then I should be drop dead gorgeous. But I'm just average. Beautiful in my own way. 

If I ever saw you again my heart would start racing, it'd be hard to breathe, and I'd start shaking. Part of me never wants to see you again. The other part wants to see you, scream at you, ask all of my questions, hit you, show you the scars on my heart, show you the gaping hole you left. I thought I was over this. I'd explain the pain. Explain that I think I'm a bit stronger, and tell you that God is still in the business of  redemption. Never too far. Too hurt. Too broken. It's beauty. 

I hate you. I want you to know. But not really. Just. Hurt. 

I always remember the ones that leave. 

I miss one hundred different people tonight. It's all the same pain. Just a different story. A different face. But the ending is always the same.