Honestly, It's Honesty

4-28-12

Then do I even want to change at all?

Because if you change you have to be willing yet I haven't seen change at all and I've so surly tried. So maybe I don't really want it. 

It's so destructive. Why don't I want it. Just like McKenna said "my problem is me. I can't be alone with me." but my problem is also certain people. 

I just wish things would change. I wish I was strong enough to change. To break the bond. To be free. To love God. 

It seems all like an act. It was just an excuse I had. A cover up? A title. A label. A reason. 

Yet I know I'll love my husband more than anything. But sometimes I'm scared it's a drug and ill relapse and go back. 

I've got an identity problem.  I don't know who I am. You compare me and Kim. We're not so different. Maybe that was a choice I didn't know I was making. But the damage is done. The pain is inflicted. The trust broken. The line crossed. And I can't ever get that back. 

I want to save people because I can't seem to save myself. 

I want to draw because all the best ones do. 

I want to write because words mean more. 

I want to make music because it moves. 

I want to make movies because we relate. 

I want to save because He first did, but I want the praise.

I just wish I knew what was real or fake. What was love and what was lust. What I wanted and what I needed. I'll lie to my self till I die. I just don't know how to differentiate between "heart and head" between "hurt and healing". I can't tell the difference and that's gotta change. But if I learn I think it'll hurt. And if it hurts I know it's gotta be real.